no, i shouldn't

today i went out with someone who used to be very special to me. i guess he just wanted to catch up and try to become friends. honestly, i still have feelings for him, i will hold my hands up and admit that but i put on a smile and pretended to be cool when he arrived to pick me up.

so we went out to eat at jusco. the whole car ride was silent. i didn't know what to say and he just kept quiet too. in my mind, i had alot of things to say but i got nervous. well simply cause i haven't seen him for more than a year and we haven't been talking since december 2009.

there i was, making a complete fool out of myself, trying to be all friendly and kind asking how he was doing when all he did was answer my questions then stayed quiet . i was about to cry cause his face was emotionless

well hellooo, i'm the one thats supposed to be quiet and sad and gloomy bcos i still have feelings for him and that he's already moved on . he's the one thats supposed to be happy and cool bcos he's already moved on and has no feelings for me . i mean, i don't understand why he would ask me out and then just be silent while i struggle to be all cool and calm and force a smile across my face . the whole time we were eating, i text-ed emira nabila bcos i really wanted to cry and just go back home . after we ate, he sent me back.

once i arrived, i went to my room and called emira and told her everything. after that, i text-ed him and told him what i felt and as usual, he didn't reply. i wished emira was here so atleast i have someone to lean on. it kinda sucks facing this with no one at home to hug and just cry loudly.

you know why i held on to him for so long? because i'm scared something so great won't happen again.

i guess we'll never be able to just be friends. this is the last time i'd ever want to see him again . but i won't ever forget him though . he used to be so special to me . i feel horrible . the feeling where i just need my bestfriend.

right now, i have lost the slightest interest towards the opposite sex until who knows when.

sometimes being alone gives you space to grow . sometimes its hard to grow when you're too close to someone . remember that trees are planted far from each other so they can spread their branches and mature.